I wrote this post in August of 2022 but never posted it. Life got in the way, but all of it is still true! I am still on the other side of cancer and doing well. The fear of occurrence still haunts me every day. The question ‘why not me?’ is still in my head.
Last week someone I met on Instagram passed away. Her name was Megan and she was diagnosed with Extremely Aggressive Stage 4 TNBC. Unfortunately, she wasn’t my first cancer internet friend to have died, and she won’t be the last. That is the life we were dealt and the battle we fight in our lives.
I am sad and broken for all the families and friends who have lost loved ones to the wars against cancer. They are stuck with the unanswerable question of “Why Them?” Husbands live without wives, kids without their parents, parents without their kids, friends without friends, and communities without essential members.
The word ‘battle’ is such an understandable statement of what people are fighting. They fight little battles each and every day: chemo, radiation, transplants, surgeries, immunotherapy, and other procedures. We wake up nauseous, can’t move without assistance, weak, a burden, and helpless.
I went through 7 rounds of chemotherapy, a stem cell transplant, multiple surgeries, shaving my head twice, a one-week hospital stay in the middle of a pandemic where no one could see me, and a month hospital stay without seeing my kids in person. Here I am on the other side of this!
This week I have asked myself: “Why am I here when other people have passed away? She is around the same age with kids as well?” This is what’s called survivors guilt. It sucks but I think we all have it! You end up asking ourselves these questions. Some people say it’s for a reason. It could also be to carry on the life of the ones we lost along the way.
Megan was determined to LIVE BIG with her life after she was diagnosed with cancer. She made the most of the time she had left with her family. I hope I can remember to LIVE BIG with this second opportunity in life.
Instead of trying to find the big things in life, I focus on the small things I can pour into:
*Raise my two babies to become good and kind humans.
*Love the people in my life as fiercely as I possibly can.
*Be kind to all I meet, no matter their race, gender, ethnicity, or political views.
*Give of my time when I can.
*Be thankful for all that life has to offer.
*Try new things. To not be afraid to fail.
*Ask the questions! The worse people can do is tell you ‘No”.
*Read all that I can.
My list will continue to grow over time. I will continue to ask this question to myself. One day I hope I will figure it out, until then I will continue to do the work. My heart will carry all that I have met along this cancer journey, live a life they will never get to continue.